Home Humor Happy Hump Day // Father of Daughters

Happy Hump Day // Father of Daughters

January 25, 2017

Laughter is the best medicine - coffee flatlay | Happy Grey Lucky

Ahh Wednesday, aka the day of the hump. Or, as I like to look at it, the day of maximum hope that maybe, just maybe you will make it through this week alive. And what better way to make it through said hump day than with a little bit of laughter? On that note, I’d like to introduce you to my all-time favourite Instagram dad account (sorry, Chris) – @father_of_daughters. Simon, who has four girls with his wife, Clemmie, shares his hilariously honest take on fatherhood and being outnumbered 5 to 1.

Here are a few of my favourite posts of his, but seriously just check out his entire feed because every one of his photos (and captions) is hilarious (and so true).

Funny dad Simon Hooper of @father_of_daughters - Happy Hump Day series | Happy Grey Lucky

Why does bathtime always involve cramming as many family members into one of the smallest rooms in the house at the same time? I guess the eldest 2 like it as it’s like a cheap version of the sea life centre. They get to watch these weird pink slippery things splash about and generally contort themselves out of these chairs while sucking the life out of some sponges. Clemmie and I are there just play life guards and crowd control. I should charge admission. Just avoid the dirty nappies at the door and the water EVERYWHERE. Actually, forget it – Health and safety would definitely shut us done. #waterstaysinthebathgirls #bathtime #sealifecentreathome #cheapentertainment #twins #mygirls #theyneverstayinthesechairs
Woke up this morning to an empty Clemmie shaped space in my bed. Had @mother_of_daughters finally chucked in the towel, run off with the hot guy from the café to try for a child that has her looks & move into the clean white box she’s always wanted? Alas no, it’s the dawn of a new chapter in our lives. Clemmie’s back to work & these 2 are off to nursery which meant I was in charge of all 4 this morning. In under 15 mins the house looked like an aftermath of a bar fight that involved ungodly amount of porridge and the twins were dressed like hipsters who chucked on clothes in the dark after a bender (the large coats are hiding my fashion homicide). They are going up too quickly – My poor ovaries are weeping (yes, I think I’ve developed some over the last couple years, I blame the oestrogen levels in my house). #sheleftmeforthecafeguy #myhormones #ithinkmynipplesaretingling #aminowahousehusband #anewyearanewchapter

Funny dad Simon Hooper of @father_of_daughters - Happy Hump Day series | Happy Grey Lucky

I regularly find the twins half way up the stairs, smiling / squeaking, on their way up to the promised land of the big girls bedrooms – the allure of small unguarded objects that fit conveniently in the mouth is too much to resist. So what do you do when you have too many stairs, not enough stair gates & twins that love climbing? Welcome to the dark & murky underworld of baby staircase racing. simple rules – take 2 genetically identical babies in prime physical condition (i.e. no overloaded nappies) & let them battle it out. No encouraging with food, No blocking, No pulling hair. Delilah has the edge at the moment & is filling the older girls piggy banks with winnings whilst I’m down £7 – Ottie is killing me – i should’ve known better than to back old stubby legs. Note: Safety professionals are on hand at all times & are trained to give out quiet encouragement & hugs. it’s a nice sport really. #indoorfamilysports #illegalbabyracing #welcometotheunderworld #nevergoforlongodds #ottieneedscrossfit
Teething is now in full effect and the girls want us to know all about it. An email would have sufficed but it seems they’d rather use their voices to get the message across that they really aren’t enjoying this stage of development. Its not straight screaming, it’s more like the sound a wounded animal might make that just wants to end it all. I can’t blame them though, it’s like a mini scene from ‘Alien’ in there at the moment, just in very very slow motion (and of course teeth don’t then go on to kill you and the crew of your ship so a few subtle differences but essentially the same). #canyoubulkbuybonjela #teethinglikealien #twins #thisisntfunforanyone #doubleteethingisnotdoublethefun

Funny dad Simon Hooper of @father_of_daughters - Happy Hump Day series | Happy Grey Lucky

If I look tired, it’s because I am. Ottie’s cold is so heavy, lifting her head is an effort. This means her face (& our clothes) are caked in snot &, like a plumber on call, we’re up throughout the night to unblock her. Usually, under the cover of darkness, I can get in / out of their room without waking the sleeping one, but last night I performed an impromptu slap stick routine only viewable with night vision goggles. As I leaned down to pick up Ottie, I whacked the bridge of my nose on the side of the cot. As I jolted my head back, it got tangled in the mobile, ripping it from the ceiling. I stepped backwards only to stumble over some razor sharp wooden blocks and fall into the side of Delilah’s cot. I maintained a silence that a Trappist monk would be proud of throughout but it was too late – the surround sound screaming lasted 20 minutes. When I finally got back into bed, Clemmie asked what the hell happened. I honestly don’t know – I think I assaulted myself. #slapstickinthedarkness #beatenupbyfurniture #surroundsoundcrying #thecoldfromhell
Should I get offended that when I’m in charge of dressing the girls, instead of being given free rein to ‘get creative’ and use my couture fashion eye to create a ‘wow’ outfit that will catch the eye and imagination, I walk into their room and find that all the clothes are laid out already. Granted I have a tendency to dress them as boys, and will invariably forget the importance of layers, and that spots and strips clash, and that socks are essential, and that a baby grow doesn’t count as day wear, and that I dress them the same, i cant tell them apart for the rest if the day, but surely if you give me a chance, the law of averages will mean I’ll get it right one day! #daddressing #twins #dontdressthemthesame #theylovechewingshoes #icandressachild #badly

Funny dad Simon Hooper of @father_of_daughters - Happy Hump Day series | Happy Grey Lucky

Is it only me or do all men learn to sleep on an 8 inch strip at the edge of the bed? Irrespective of the size of the bed, or how many people are in it, I always find myself relegated to the ‘man zone’. I’ve become so used to sleeping on this limited area of bed real estate, that I’m confident that I could sleep on top of a wall & not fall off. On the other side of the bed (the promised land), @mother_of_daughters sleeps like a star fish all night long, kneeing me in the back and generally complains about me coming to bed too late, being too cold or my foot encroaching onto her territory. At least the bed’s nice and warm, even if the reception isn’t sometimes! I hope that next Sunday, on #NationalLieInDay, I’ll not only gain another hour in bed, but more space – but it’s doubtful! #bedrealestate #livingontheedge #therestoomanygirls
The cornerstone of any dad’s role is the old horse / pig ride but I’m starting to feel more like a mid sized family car with all 4 my girls aboard. Without me really realising, these rides have evolved from what was a cheap fair ground attraction to entertain kids into an in-house Uber service for children who’s legs no longer seem to work from lack of use. They’ve also taken to now simply calling me ‘pig’ and steer me by the twisting of my ears. on top of that, I have to point out imaginary land marks as we go from room to room and if the guided tour isn’t up to scratch, someone will inevitably try and pull my trousers down while I’m in this vulnerable position – usually it’ll be @mother_of_daughters. Am I being bullied? I’m genuinely not sure #the4thatbrokethecamelsback #aremygirlsbullyingme #inhouseuber #luckyivegotagoodass

 

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2 comments

Tara January 27, 2017 at 1:11 pm

I totally spat my coffee out scrolling through his feed lol. Thanks for sharing!

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Sina February 16, 2017 at 11:36 pm

Yessss! Haha. His feed is just so amazing

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